So, I've had a weird week...
Nothing major has happened...in fact, not much at all has happened...
I just feel...blah!
I texted my husband yesterday before class - "Feeling kind of blah today...I look cute, so it's not that...maybe it's the weather..." I did look cute, too! And the weather was a bit dreary - gray and wet. But I'm not sure that's it either. I mean, really, I've lived in Seattle nearly my whole life and have never been bothered by Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I've been thinking a lot this week about the idea of divine discontentment. Am I feeling this way because I'm not doing what God has called me to do? What has God called me to do?
I'm a teacher, and I love being a teacher, but this quarter has definitely been rougher than most. I'm not sure if it's me, or my students, or the textbook. Even though I spend nearly two hours before every class prepping, I still feel unprepared. I feel like I can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time. My brain feels foggy. I feel ineffective. Am I still called to be a teacher?
I'm a mom, and I love my son, but he's just hit age 2 and everything that comes with that. He can be a handful, and he has been sick and hasn't been sleeping well...which means I haven't been sleeping well. I'm going to be gut level honest for a moment - I don't really like being a mom. I miss being able to do what I want, when I want to. I miss not having a little person constantly grabbing me and pulling me to whatever it is he wants because he doesn't have enough words to tell me what he wants. I miss having personal space. Beyond that, I just feel like I'm doing things wrong, not saying the right thing, not doing the right thing. Again, I feel ineffective. Am I still called to be a mom? (Before you freak out, the answer to this question is "of course, yes")
I'm a crafter, and I get great joy from making things, but in this area I also feel like I'm not being everything I could be. I take shortcuts, and then feel guilty when they don't really work. I have a long list of ideas, but can't seem to find the motivation to work on them. I get upset when I give a gift and everyone praises the gift but then says I am just trying to show them up or show off. I feel discouraged. I feel like I am wasting my time. Am I still called to be a crafter?
The answer to all of these questions is a resounding "Yes!". I am called to be a teacher - God has given me a desire to learn more about language and culture, and to help others. He has also given me the best job I could have asked for. I work with great people, I work great hours, and I have lots of vacation. I am called to be a mom - God has blessed me with Elijah and He has not graced me to be the best mom ever, but He has graced me to be the best mom for my kid. I don't feel called to have any more children at this point, but if or when we have another, I know that child will also be a gift, and I will be given the grace to be the best mom for him/her as well. And, I am called to be a crafter - I was created in the image of a creative God who spoke the entire universe into being. I will continue to share my gifts and talents with the world, even when it feels like the world doesn't appreciate them. I will do it because it is how I use what God has given me.
So, I've had a weird week. I've felt discontented - like I should be doing more, or being more - and I do think it's a kind of divine discontentment. Not that I'm not doing what God has called me to do, but that He's reminding me that I can't be everything He has called me to be without Him. I can't leave Him out of the equation, and still expect to accomplish His plans for me.
Luckily for me, His mercies are new every morning...and tomorrow is a new day!